Rollercoaster (triggering)

The last few days my mood has been up and down like a rollercoaster. I've spent three days barely moving from my bed because I felt so ill after the busy days with my family. I've self harmed twice in that time. The one time I did get up I went to buy pills. I haven't taken any but I needed them as a security net. Just in case I get desperate. That sounds awful but that's where my mood is right now. I was binge watching Supernatural and feeling really awful and thinking about suicide, so I got drunk and played Borderlands with my friend, and while I was drunk I felt happy. But then the next day I was sober and felt awful and self harmed again.

Right now I'm preparing for my friend to visit. I'm tidying and cleaning and trying to keep occupied until she gets here. When she's here, even if I feel shit, I'll be less likely to hurt myself.