word vomit (triggering)

i have vodka and im going to get fucked because i feel really fucking shit and i want to overdose but at the same time i dont want to be abusive and if i kill myself they might think its because they left me and if i survive then im being abusive and if i dont i might make them feel guilty
i still might. we'll see how i feel later i guess. i just want to drink until oblivion.
i drinked until i things dont hurt anymore so that s good right i think thats good and now im singing to kyle jutle jietjnedskm ,vxcv kylie and its likeim 11 except im also drink but when i was 11 things were just abot ok i think im mean i was still sad but it asn;t like this so thats an improvement and my legs font dont hurt so thats definitely good.
hiccupes
im sovbering upp and they;re still not home i feel so abandoned. i want to cut myself but im not sure i have the energy i should have just takn the fucking overdose you know they left me stranded in the fucking house with no internet phone or keys i had to switch out the sim cards so i could use d's sim card to ring b to come back and bring my keys because they took all three sets. i wish i had internet so i could talk to someone so i could get some support because i feel so alone right now
i think the guy in bellas was maknig fun of me and my weiht and how much i eat but i was too drink to notive at the time.
i raelly want casual sex with someone. not in a relationship just someone to fuck. i dont even particularly want sex i just want to feel desirable to someon. without any consequences or expectations.
why am i even waiting up for them whats the fucking point