Feeling conflicted

I really, really hate my body at the moment.
It's all wrong. It's too curvy, too girly, too short, not muscly enough.. I can't fix it either. I've been working out, I tried eating right, and I spiral back into binge eating because it makes me feel miserable. I'm never going to get taller. My feet aren't going to grow. Even if I transition I'll still probably not fucking pass because I'm tiny. Which sucks so much.
And at the moment my hair is too girly, my mum won't let me where masculine clothes, my voice is stupidly high.. I went into a shop reasonably late at night in a big hoody and baggy jeans and got called son by the elderly woman behind the till, but when I opened my mouth to confirm I was over 18 I could see her brain working like oh wait, it's a girl.
Girl girl girl girl girl.
It's never sat quite right with me, no matter how much I tried to fit it, but now I'm accepting myself it hurts so much more. Because I don't want people to see me as a girl or a woman or anything like that.

But I can't transition. I can fix these feelings. Because I'll hurt my family. I'm her daughter. She wants me to wear make up and pretty clothes. She laughs at me when I wear my baggy jeans or basically any trousers that don't show off my hated curves. She comments on my lack of make up, making out that I don't look good without it. Which would suck for a girl, but for me that's like saying I will never be good looking because a guy shouldn't wear make up to look good. Well they can, but you know, in this society, guys look good without it and girls use it to look even prettier. So as a girl that hurts but there's a solution. As a guy it's just like a big fuck you, you're ugly.

I can't wait to leave home. At least then I'll be able to wear the right clothes.