Ups and downs. (ED trigger warning, self harm trigger warning)

Not pregnant!
Well, I have another test to take when I get back from my trip, just in case I messed up the dates and it was too early for the test. But I'm pretty sure I haven't.

Gonna be at the air port at 5am tomorrow morning. I'm so scared. I'm kind of excited. But I'm more scared. Because he'll be there and I thought maybe we could be civil or even friendly just for the trip but now I know that he actually hates me. :s

I'm going to miss my guinea pig.

I've been a bit stupid. I've made sure that I haven't got enough food. :/ I'm not even completely regretting this. I don't know. A part of me is annoyed because that's just sabotaging everything. Two weeks of intense activity and not enough food. But the rest of me is cheering. Hopefully I'll lose weight. Maybe it'll kickstart some proper weight loss. I've been gaining for a while, it's been so horrible. My metabolism is fucked, it doesn't seem to matter what I eat.

I'm also scared because I have a penknife. And it's pretty sharp. And I have a ton of first aid supplies. They're supposed to be for emergencies only, but I last cut three days ago. I'm at the point where I'm most likely to not be able to not cut. :s

I'm not sure what I'm doing. Muddling through. Hopefully surviving...