I'm not sure how I feel

Sometimes I feel so much freer. It's only been a few days but my mood has lifted incredibly, I've been spending more time with my friends, I've been reading more, I've had a couple of ideas for stories that I want to write, I've been enjoying my classes more... It can't just be a coincidence....

But other times I feel so guilty. It's my fault everything went wrong. I should still be with him. I should be changing myself, trying to fix things, trying to make him happy.

Why can't I get out of that mindset? Why is my whole life focused on making him happy at the cost of my own happiness? I honestly don't understand. I know that he's blamed me for everything, but why am I blaming myself still? I know that he's wrong, that I'm not a terrible person. I know that because people keep telling me. But I still feel it. I still feel like a terrible person. :s

And even when I'm happy, I'm still considering suicide. I don't know why. I'm happy. People are only suicidal when they're sad or depressed. I'm walking along the street, listening to good music, in the sun, going to see my friends, feeling light hearted, and over dosing is at the front of my mind. I don't get it. :s

I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll do it. Kill myself. Or that I'll break down and beg him to let me fix everything, to let me make everything better, so that he's happy again, even though I know that I don't want to be back in that relationship again. :/