Trig: ED

I definitely think I have an eating disorder.

That's a scary thought. And hard to admit.

I've kept saying 'I'm falling into one'. But at some point you have to hit the bottom.

I think the fact that I can't stop now is scary. Before, I'd go through periods of being fine, or I'd even spend only half the day having disordered thoughts and behaviours.

But the last few days have made me think more about it.

The fact that I had a full on break down with crying and hitting myself and pulling out my hair, in front of my boyfriend, because I'd eaten normally. The fact that I found it so difficult to eat a rice cake today. That I know what I'm doing is wrong, but I can't stop it.

I got out some self help books, but I can't deal with them. They're so positive, and everything in them is aimed at people sicker than me.

I'm too sick to get better by myself but not sick enough to get help.

When I look in my food diary everything looks fine. Because there's no calorie numbers or quantities in it. Yeah, so she feels guilty, but she still ate lunch and dinner. But saying I had soup doesn't explain that I had half of the low calorie serving, and even then struggled to eat that much, and would have not even made it if my boyfriend hadn't started making it for me, and sat by me as I ate it.

I don't want to add calorie numbers. I mean, I already count things in my head, but when it's written down it feels more permanent. It feels worse when I can see how much I've eaten. And then I get triggered to act worse. So what do I do? I show this to the counselor and it looks fine. But I don't feel fine.

I don't feel fine at all.