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Messed up and Confused
Posted August 13th 2011 at 12:10 AM by Evanesco
I should spend every day with my boyfriend. I eat pretty normally around him, he makes it easier because he loves how I look and always makes me feel good about myself.
But I know I'll be restricting tomorrow. I feel guilty about today and I can feel myself losing control. I don't want to gain. Even though I know I won't I'm still terrified.
I tried to talk to my mum again. She doesn't even let me start. I want to tell her that I counted out the pills, that I tried to overdose, that although I stopped I still want to. She says it's normal to feel like this. She won't even let me get to the suicide part. I don't care if it's normal, I don't like it.
I'm considering going back to the counselor when school starts. Perhaps I'll show him my blogs? See if he dismisses me then. See if he says I'm just stressed and doesn't actually arrange anything. I went to talk about SH and he made me go through the head of year, send a reference and tell other people about it so that he could arrange the sessions appropriately, and then it was less constructive than the drop in.
Ugh. I don't know what to do. I'm not feeling suicidal right now, but I still have this feeling of if I killed myself right now, my parents wouldn't even know why because they don't know how bad I feel.
I haven't cut in a few months though, so there's progress there. Perhaps I'll just sort things out by myself. Perhaps I'm deluding myself and I don't need help. Perhaps I'm imaging that I feel so bad and that really I'm perfectly normal and I just want to be interesting. But then why would I feel so bad on my own? I mean that would make sense if I only felt bad around people, if I was attention seeking, but barely anyone knows how I feel. I don't mention it to people.
Maybe if she listened to me I wouldn't doubt myself so much. But people say talk to her, well she doesn't listen. Talk to the counselor, he turns me away. Talk to a doctor, I'm terrified he would say I was fine and overreacting and send me away.
My head feels so messed up right now.
But I know I'll be restricting tomorrow. I feel guilty about today and I can feel myself losing control. I don't want to gain. Even though I know I won't I'm still terrified.
I tried to talk to my mum again. She doesn't even let me start. I want to tell her that I counted out the pills, that I tried to overdose, that although I stopped I still want to. She says it's normal to feel like this. She won't even let me get to the suicide part. I don't care if it's normal, I don't like it.
I'm considering going back to the counselor when school starts. Perhaps I'll show him my blogs? See if he dismisses me then. See if he says I'm just stressed and doesn't actually arrange anything. I went to talk about SH and he made me go through the head of year, send a reference and tell other people about it so that he could arrange the sessions appropriately, and then it was less constructive than the drop in.
Ugh. I don't know what to do. I'm not feeling suicidal right now, but I still have this feeling of if I killed myself right now, my parents wouldn't even know why because they don't know how bad I feel.
I haven't cut in a few months though, so there's progress there. Perhaps I'll just sort things out by myself. Perhaps I'm deluding myself and I don't need help. Perhaps I'm imaging that I feel so bad and that really I'm perfectly normal and I just want to be interesting. But then why would I feel so bad on my own? I mean that would make sense if I only felt bad around people, if I was attention seeking, but barely anyone knows how I feel. I don't mention it to people.
Maybe if she listened to me I wouldn't doubt myself so much. But people say talk to her, well she doesn't listen. Talk to the counselor, he turns me away. Talk to a doctor, I'm terrified he would say I was fine and overreacting and send me away.
My head feels so messed up right now.
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