Alone

When I'm on my own I just lose myself.

Today was fine, after I finally managed to get myself out of the house, but now that I'm home again and sat on my own, I don't know what to do. I've read through all my e-mails, I've browsed the forum, I've joined in the game threads, I've offered some advice, I've played a couple of online games, I've sat on facebook, I've answered some formspring questions. I don't want to stop because I feel empty again, like I always do when I'm alone, but I can't seem to do anything constructive. I'm too tired to revise and I can't find an ounce of creativity in me to write anything other than twisted ramblings from the darkest places. I can't be bothered to have a shower. I'll have one in the morning. I'm getting a bit of a headache so I can't stay on the computer much longer.

I don't want to go to bed because I don't want to turn out the light. I don't want to be completely alone. At least when the light is on I can see myself.

I keep getting urges to cut. I'll be feeling fine and then suddenly I'll feel like shit. I burst into tears earlier and then I was fine moments later.

I might go read, but I don't want to sleep. I don't want more nightmares.