It's been mixed. (TW: SH, Suicide)

I did a risk assessment with one of my group therapy clinicians the other day and it told us that I was high risk for suicide. I already knew that was going to be a thing. My mental health has been bad lately. The clinician let the crisis team know and they called me, but I was able to convince them I was fine.

I was supposed to go for a medical test on the sixth. They had me go off of my reflux medication to do it, and then the day before the test they called and said they made a mistake and the referring doctor actually wanted me on this medication so I couldn't have the test the next day. Usually something like that would be fine, but other people told me that this is the worst test they have ever had and that it is incredibly painful, so I've been panicking about it for weeks. I started crying on the phone and threatened not to reschedule, but I ended up rescheduling. Later on I sent a message and asked if my dad could come into the testing room with me and they said yes, so I hope they truly allow him to on the actual day. I also have an Ativan to take that day.

I called Medicaid to see if they had approved or denied my hysterectomy and the guy I talked to said that this surgery did not need any prior authorizations and it seemed to be covered. I also called the GYN's office for reassurance and she said the same thing, although she said that it isn't a promise to pay but Medicaid is normally good with covering things like this. So, if all goes well I am yeeting the ute on September 20! I'm so excited about this but apparently intense excitement like that mimics anxiety in my body because I was feeling overwhelmed and wanted to self harm. i had to take anxiety medication.

I'm crawling out of the depression but now I'm swinging into anxiety. The heart palpitations were so bad yesterday I had to take both of my anxiety pills and wanted to self harm. The heart palpitations have been getting worse lately. I had an EKG back in May that was normal so logically I know I'm not dying but it sure feels like something is seriously wrong. Thanks, anxiety!

The last time my anxiety got to be very bad was in February and I ended up trying to kill myself to get it to stop, so I'm a little nervous.

I did find a new therapist who is going to work on DBT with me, which I am looking forward to. I am especially looking into getting help with my emotional regulation.

I have an app called Finch that helps a lot. You put goals in it like drink water, brush my teeth, wash my face, etc, and when you check them off you get energy to send your bird on cool adventures. You can also buy the bird clothes and items for its room, send it to different locations, and the bird can even hatch pets to adventure with! You can also send good vibes to other players you've added. The Finch app has options too such as reflecting on things, naming your emotion, or breathing exercises. The breathing exercises have been helpful. I have a hard time doing the normal ones because it feels like I don't have enough breath so I do the ones labeled "easy" and that works better for me. I'll try the normal ones when I've gotten used to these.

I haven't self harmed in one week and one day, which is the longest I've gone in a while. I still want to self harm though and am trying my hardest not to before surgery, but I don't know if I can make it that long. Like I said, the anxiety is getting bad again. I feel it in my chest and it's just so unpleasant and uncomfortable and I want it to end. So I self harm or try to kill myself. But maybe this time will be different.

So I guess I'm mixed right now?