Dear future me... (mentions of self harm and suicide)

I followed a journal prompt asking you to write a letter to your future self. I decided to write a letter to me five years from now. I kind of like how it came out so I am posting it here too. Here goes:

Dear Me 5 Years From Now,

I honestly didn't expect that you would live this long, so congratulations I guess. I hope you don't have any permanent damage from any more suicide attempts that happened between 4/12/24 and now. Maybe you're finally not feeling as suicidal anymore, or at least I hope that is the case. You are in your 30s now, 32, turning 33. That is a milestone for someone who didn't expect to make it out of their 20s.

What has changed in the last 5 years? Are you still collecting disability or were you able to find some sort of job? Are you coping well with it? Have you gotten your driver's license yet? You really want the independence associated with driving but have been too anxious to do it.

Do you still self harm? At the time of writing this you have been self harming for 14 years. Maybe you've finally gotten past your willfulness and are using and finding coping skills that work for you. You know there are coping skills that work for everyone, so it's a matter of bothering to put in the effort. Speaking of effort, how are you doing in therapy? Are you listening to your therapist and actually taking her advice? At the time of writing this your current therapist thinks you should see someone else. You're really attached to her so you really messed up.

You have some great and supportive friends currently: (names). I hope you haven't alienated any of them with your actions due to your mental illness and not wanting to put in the effort.

Your current favorite song is Face Up by Lights. Listen to it when you are feeling hopeless. It will either help or get you all up in your feelings.

It's all about actually putting in the effort. You're bad at that right now. Right now you feel helpless and hopeless, and it shouldn't be that way. Maybe one day things will get better and you will be happy, whatever happiness is to you.

Maybe you are happy now and if so I am proud of you for building a life worth living. You've come a long way, don't forget that. Even just living this long is promising.

So here's to five years, and here's hoping I make it another five. I will be interested in seeing what happens.

Take care of yourself,
Dez