Idk (Trig: suicide, self harm)

I started writing this and then something happened and it deleted itself, so I guess I'll try to remember what I was going to say.

I was doing relatively well for a few weeks. I really was. I hadn't been self harming and had generally been feeling okay. But then it crashed again and the depression and anxiety are back with a vengeance.

This weekend I was very depressed. I spent a lot of Saturday isolating by myself and was in bed a lot. I went to bed around 7:30, 8:00 Saturday night and stayed in bed until around 12:30 pm Sunday afternoon. On Easter I stayed downstairs most of the day except to eat.

I lost count of my self harm free streak. I don't know if I'm at two weeks or three weeks, and it shouldn't matter because that is still great. But I want to self harm and start the streak over, not only as a way to cope but because I lost count and want to know the exact time I have been self harm free. Maybe I will do it soon.

This is the first Easter in three years that I have been out of the hospital for. I spent the last two Easters in the hospital, so it was weird being home for this specific holiday.

This also means I have been in the hospital the past two Aprils. I feel another hospitalization coming. I'm conflicted because I don't want to disappoint my group therapy clinician or the friend I have in group, but I feel really suicidal and don't want to be here. I already have potential dates set for when I can do it. There are a few days I can't because if I end up in the hospital and not dead it would be inconvenient. But I have a lot of time where I could do it. I don't know, we'll see what happens.

I texted my dad from the ambulance after my last suicide attempt with a list of instructions on things like how to take care of the guinea pigs and asking him to return library books. If I end up in an ambulance after another text I'll probably resend the text. I updated it today to include more relevant information like my debit card PIN number so they can take care of my bills and rent if I'm in there too long. I paid my rent today, though, so unless I'm in the hospital for longer than a month that is all set. I'm waiting on my credit card bill to be posted, and all the rest of my bills are taken automatically. Everything will be in order.

They always ask me in group therapy if I have any intent to act on the thoughts or have done anything to prepare and it's a lie. I gave up (method) to my visiting nurse after I got out of the hospital, but I bought more of it off Amazon the same day. It's there waiting for me.

Idk man lol