I lied (TW: SH/Suicide)

I am in IOP and the clinician made me throw out my self harm tools and my means of suicide into the trash outside while on camera. There was no way of lying to her and saying that I did it when I really didn't since it was all done on camera.

But, I did lie to her though. I have other self harm tools I can use, just not the preferred ones. I also have other means of suicide I can use that I didn't throw away. I'm not going to tell her I lied.

I need the safety net of having my self harm tools and my means of suicide with me. Even if I'm not fully triggered it helps to know I have the options if I need to. I know that's bad, but I'm truly not willing to get rid of my tools right now. This also makes me want to go out and purchase more tools and means on Amazon or somewhere else to restock. I don't know if I will, but it's easy to get the means again even if I don't drive when a ton of stores allow things to be shipped right to your house.

I'm still overwhelmed by work. It's been busier lately on certain days and making calls, especially a lot of calls in a day, makes me feel anxious.

I know it's eight months out but I'm still counting down the days until I lose my job. My contract was extended until June when I originally was going to lose my job in November, but I'm still anxious about losing my job eight months from now and how I'm going to cope with another job. Will I actually be able to do full time work in order to pay the bills? Will my parents just let me work part time if I tell them that's what my therapist wants me to do? Probably not, they have their own bills and mortgage to pay. When I see posts or hear stories about people getting their jobs, working, loving their jobs, or struggling work it makes me scared and makes me think I should just kill myself in eight months when I lose my job.

Going to IOP is tiring. I think I'm being willful and not putting in as much effort as I should, although I know what they're teaching me can be really helpful. I also have to wake up early for it and I'm tired for the rest of the day, and then my energy goes down for the rest of the week. I lose spoons. It's also why I'm scared for a job to be honest.

I can't say I've been doing BAD lately but the thoughts and urges are still there to varying degrees. We'll have to see what happens.