16th March '17, 22:20pm

I normally write everything out on Wattpad but the update made it go all shitty. On Wattpad, my not so private diary is on there for people to read, I put in the date and the time I start writing it. Wattpad isn't cooperating with me so I'm writing on here instead. I neeeeeeed to write.

Today 3 years ago, I attempted suicide. It was my fourth attempt in like 2 years. I had a tough time, struggling with loads of things - my anxiety, my depression, my self harms, my paranoia and to top it all off, I was in a very very dark place. I read into every little word, every little sentence, everything. I barely left the house, barely left my room. It was around this time when I watched a movie on my phone, and I got triggered and my anxiety sky rocketed through the roof and I full on freaked out, had a mental breakdown and took all of my sleeping pills, anti anxiety pills, pills for my depression and paranoia. I probably got through half way, and remember saying to myself No! Everyone in my family was asleep, so I crawled to the bathroom and vomited everything out in the shower. Fell asleep for a couple of hours in the shower, then woke up around 2am shivering. Had another shower, sent a message to a mental health place about my situation. Went to bed and the next morning. I pretended to be happy.

No one in my family knows that I have depression, or crippling anxiety or full blown paranoia, or that I self harm or that I've tried to kill my self 4 times. They think I'm this happy but emotional girl that just has hard times. I wish I could tell them but I would never.

I can't believe that it has been three years since I've last tried to kill myself. I've had thoughts about it lately but that's only been because I've been stressed out and everything. It's only been two weeks since I've last self harmed too. Pretty proud of myself but still disappointed.

There's a storm going on right now and I'm watching it. I can never get bored of a thunderstorm.