Future

I didn't get the teacher aide position that I really wanted and I feel really annoyed, stupid, worthless, useless. I don't even know if I have a future. My parents found me crying, and my dad being the Christian he is, told me that God knows my future, He knows how my future is going to turn out. God knows how my future is gonna turn out but what if in my future, I'm not alive but dead. My parents are always saying that if you have an issue or a problem, you turn to the bible and it will always have the answer. Okay! Well I've been praying for all of my life, and where are those prayers being answered? I see nothing happening. I go to church every Sunday without fail and I pray, I sing/sign my heart out. I do everything with so much love but I'm getting none in return. Everything you do is a two way street. I've been doing EVERYTHING and I've been getting nothing in return. God's love is unconditional but I'm not feeling that love.

I know for a fact that my future won't be a stable one, instead I will be struggling to have food on the table, I will have no money to help me survive, I will be poor but barely getting by.

My sister, she's three years younger than me. She has a job, a car, life insurance, a stable pay and she continues to get pay rises almost every month. She works at Bunnings, and that's a giant hardware store that sells tools, wood, paint, plants, garden stuff, outdoor furniture. She works in the paint department. This job that she has, she wouldn't have gotten the job, if I didn't apply for it for her. It's funny, I applied for both of us, hers was yes and mine was a big fat no. I'm happy for her. She has everything which I don't have.

Last year I've applied for almost 9000 jobs and in one year, I've only had one job interview and that wasn't successful. I've had shitty jobs to keep me afloat, like walking dogs, delivering catalogues to almost 500 houses and I did it all by myself, and got a mere $20 each week. It was so pointless. And now this year, it's now March and I've already applied for 320 jobs already and I've already had one job interview and that failed too. I do everything I possibly can. I try my hardest at everything. I go to work/career expos, classes, everything. I volunteer at the local RSPCA and yet they won't give me a letter of recommendation. I've been bitten twice, kicked by a horse, chased around the pen by an angry bull, scratched multiple times, shat on and I still go and volunteer with the biggest smile on my face because I love working so much.

Everyone tells me to be positive and I'm a really positive person but I want to give up and be negative, because nothing is going right in my life.

The one issue that is always on my mind is the fact that if one day if I'm still around and I'm old, I won't have any retirement money or life insurance. I don't see myself living more than 24 years old. I just see everyone else thriving and me just slowly dying.