I'm Doubting Myself...And I Have a Confession To Be Made (Sort of)

Right now, I'm just feeling really sad...and I don't know who else to talk to about everything that I've been through. Some of you may be aware that over the past couple of weeks that have gone by, quite a lot has happened, and up to this night, I start to feel the same way that I've always been feeling my whole life, and that's being alone without having anyone to share the moment with... It's disheartening...and I don't know how else to put it. I was just scrolling through my Friends list on Facebook, and from looking at all the faces I see that are friends with me on Facebook, I honestly can't say that I have that one friend that will be there for me every step of the way no matter what...It's like I'm not even sure why I'm even friends with theses people on Facebook even though I know who they are and they know me. I guess if I were to really find out who my true friends are out of those 313, almost all of them would leave me except probably a few. But even those few that do consider themselves my close friends, I feel like I can't even consider them my close friends because where were they when I have moments alone like this? I hardly ever get a text message or phone call from any of my friends. It would just be nice to have that one person call me up or text me just to see how I'm doing. What would even be more nice is that person asking me to spend some time with them by going to the movies, hanging out at their place, etc. However, I find myself doing this most of the time for my friends, and whenever I ask them to hang out with me, they're either too busy, or they just find an excuse to not hang out with me.

Don't get me wrong. I do have some really good friends here on TeenHelp that I can always talk to about my feelings, everything that's happened in my life, and basically about anything else. However, it's just not the same as having someone right in front of you to vent out to and seek comfort with. Everyone that I talk to on here...I can't do that with... (sighs) Sometimes, I wish some of these people on here were standing right in front of me. It would make a huge difference to me, but I know for a fact that the day won't come when I get to see any of these people that are my friends on here that I talk to...

Then again, I didn't join this website in the hopes of meeting new people; I just joined on here to connect myself with other teenagers across the globe, and give them an inspiration of hope and faith that they can work their way out of hardships and tough times, even on the verge of ending it all. I remember watching a video a year ago that told the story about a girl who went through pretty much what most of the teenagers on here go through. By this I mean, bullying, SH, and suicide in particular...She told her story through flashcards, and I can't ever forget how tragic her story was...I don't know if any of you knew this girl, but her name was Amanda Todd. I won't get into the details of the story since it might trigger some flashbacks for some of you, but she got bullied at school and blackmailed online. She then proceeded to SH when she couldn't tolerate anymore of the bullying that she was receiving at school, and it was just very cruel that a lot of people engaged in shattering her. The remarks and judgment were just way beyond cruel. She was without any hope and faith; all of that was broken. Then, after a month later after she creates a video telling her story, she commits suicide...To be honest, I really cried viewing her whole story, and it was just really tragic...So now, come to think of it, her story is the main reason that motivated me to come on here and be a member of TeenHelp.

I realize that with my strong compassion for other people and the wisdom within me, I could make a difference to other teenagers because no one deserves to go through such a tragedy and end up taking their own life like Amanda Todd did. In a cruel and unjust society that we live in today, I feel like there aren't enough people out in the world with a caring heart like me. It's sad...and I feel like not enough people realize that other people around you that you reach out to and form relationships with is the most important thing in life.

I didn't come here knowing that I was going to meet and make some new friends. Now that I have these people that are "part" of my life, I feel like I can really talk to them about anything, even when it all seems like it's lost. The thing is though: when some say that they'll always be there for me, how can you make such a promise to someone that you've never met in person if you're never going to see one another? Don't take this the wrong way; I'm not faulting anyone in particular on here because let's face it: most of us are here just to get help from other people, teenagers in particular, and help others. These so-called friendships we have with one another...no...I'm not even going to say it.

I'm almost turning 18 in two weeks, but somehow, I'm not sure how to feel about that...It's a love and hate kind of thing. I'm feeling very lost...and to be honest, having vacation breaks with one or two weeks off just makes it even harder for me to endure. No one really contacts me over the breaks, and I find it depressing because of the loneliness I feel when there's no one to talk to.

However, there are three things that I do to combat that lonely, depressing feeling: accomplishing the things that need to be done, do the things that I love doing, and hardcore intensity workouts. I feel like I have this mindset of a soldier whose got nothing to lose and keeps training himself physically and mentally to just bury all the pain and loneliness that he feels deep within himself. Not a day goes by where I don't feel like this. Even when I do experience great days, it will still be there.

Honestly, having been through almost all of my years in high school, I'm not sure if it's something that I ever want to repeat again if I were to. So many reckless, critical false faces there that I'm not even sure if any decency within people in high school exists anymore, or if anyone really cares...Then, there I was thinking that I was going to get into a romantic relationship with an amazing girl of my dreams...Here I am now, and I didn't find that girl...

Sometimes, I question myself about if what I really want is a friend, or a soulmate? I don't know...would it be confusing to say both? There's a saying that goes that you don't need a lot of friends; all you need is one or two of them. Also, in order to meet the right special someone in your life, it's best to just wait for that right moment to come along.

I feel so tired of waiting...it seems so far away from now, and I don't know what to make of it. I feel that I'm a hopeless romantic, and to be honest, I am one.

I just want someone to know who I truly am...and that I'm not like everyone else...

I can only wish and pray every night that someone will be lucky enough to meet me, and I will get the chance to fall in love with the right person without going through any break-ups.

Can that be for certain though?

I'm not sure...and I just won't expect anything from anyone anymore...

I'm done expecting people to be there for me, and all in honesty, I don't expect anyone to care about someone like me...