An Unrequited Love Never Acknowledged

This experience that I'll be talking about takes place in the early days of my high school life. This was the first time that I had ever experienced what it was truly like to not be acknowledged by someone that I really had feelings for, and up to this day, I can never forget how it all happened.

I remember the first few days of being in high school. It was really nerve-wrecking. I had no clue what I was going to expect. Just transitioning from middle school to high school seemed like a huge stepping stone for me. A stepping stone so huge that I almost didn't want to even show up on the first day, but I knew that no matter what, I had to just go on out and face my fear. So I did. At the time, I was not the outgoing person that I am currently today. I was still shy, naive, and believe it or not, I didn't really know how to start off a conversation with someone that I wanted to approach. So, I arrive to school on the first day, and I go find out where my first class is. I find out that I have PE first period. While I await for the bell to ring, I walk around the school in the cool, misty weather morning like a wanderer in the midst. It felt so strange just being here. I felt like I was entering a place that I didn't know so well, and didn't know what to expect of the people there. I wait close by the school gym to find that the bell had rang right on time to go to first period. I go into the gym, and sit at the spot where I'm supposed to be for my class. I saw some familiar faces from middle school in my PE class that I wasn't all too close friends with, but as I look around the faces of people, there's this one girl that caught my attention. I gotta say: she was just really beautiful, and my heart sank when I looked over at her.

So, after my PE teacher takes roll (by the way, a little fact here: three years later, I'd find myself being a teacher aide for him. I just find that so coincidental, but I already knew that after halfway through my sophomore year, I wanted to be a teacher aide for him because he is just a great teacher, and he's naturally funny too. Go figure, haha. ), I sit close by her, but I just sit there, hoping for her to get to notice me. It takes a while for me to get around to just saying something since I know from the looks of it, she just sits there like there's no one around to talk to. Me being the inexperienced, not-so social guy, I'm stuck playing this game in my head, debating whether or not I should say something to her. I was just worried about making a fool out of myself because I didn't want to look like a loser in front of people for being rejected by a girl right on the spot.

After going back and forth in my mind, I finally make a decision. I turn around and I just say "Hi there."(nowadays, I won't start a conversation off with a girl that way because I've learned over he years and from research that just saying something like "Hi there." just doesn't do all that much, and really has no meaning to it.) She says hi back and we end up introducing ourselves. I came to know her as Stephenie. After introducing ourselves, we talk to one another, and it didn't turn out too bad. Although at the time, I lacked being an active listener and being social, but all seemed to go somewhat good with Stephenie. The next couple days were better. She would always be right next to me right when first period began. We talked some more and told some things about ourselves to each other. I learned that Stephanie had just gone from being in a private school her whole life to now going to a public school. I remember that she told me that she wasn't the nicest person anyone could be around. She told me she would disagree with her mom about certain things majority of the time such as her mom wanting her to go to an all-girls school, and be really rude about it. There was one particular detail that I remembered her mentioning, and it was this: all her cousins had gone to the same exact high school that we go to, and they all ended up getting pregnant. Her parents didn't want her attending the public school that we were enrolled in due to the possibility that Stephenie might get pregnant as well, just like her cousins did. Stephenie told me that if her dad ever found out she was pregnant, he would just be really more than upset; he'd be furious (not in an abusive way though, and if you're wondering if Stephenie ever got pregnant, she never did). That day that we talked about each other really made things interesting, and I actually thought that this could actually work. We even hanged out at lunch a few times during the first week of school, and it was really great. She even saw me with another friend and rushed over to me to say hi since I passed by the classroom that she was making up a test in. It was really nice of her to do that. However, what happened the following week after the first week made me doubt myself.

One day, I see her chatting with a guy during the class that we have together. I was glancing over at them and observed them. She looked like she was having a really great time talking to him, and the guy seemed to enjoy it too. I literally just wanted to walk out the door because I couldn't stand seeing Stephenie with another guy. More days passed by, and I start to see that she's in her own clique of friends. I was crushed. I panicked, and I just didn't speak to her after that. Besides, at the time, there was another girl that I was already talking to through texting at school, so I just shifted my attention all to that girl and away from Stephanie (I would find out later that that girl that I was texting wasn't the right one for me. Who knew right?).

A little more than halfway through the year passes by, and I decide to start talking to her again. As I did so, it just wasn't the same. She would barely even pay attention to me, and just end up pulling away from me. One time during that year, I asked her to come see my talent show performance, but she just told me that she'll try, but I knew for a fact that she said that because that's what I wanted to hear, and she didn't even end up going to see my performance anyways. I was really down. I kept on dreaming and believing that one day, she'll come around to recognizing me, and I'll have my chance with her.

Sophomore year comes around, and I don't even see her around school because she's not in any of my classes. Junior year comes around, and I find out that she's in half of my classes. After the events that took place with Anne, once again, here I am in the same situation I was in freshman year: will it be worth approaching Stephenie, or not? So, one day after Chemistry Honors class was over, I walk right over to her and say hi to her. Stephenie was surprised to hear from me, and I was surprised that she reacted back to me in a good way. I ask her how she's been all this time, and she tells me all is going well with her. That day, I hanged out with her, and we talked while we were walking around the school. Then, when she needed to be picked up, she told me she had to go and told me that she'll see me around. I was really happy that day. I felt like everything that I had hoped for was actually going to come true this time, but....it just ended up only being a fantasy. She was never the one to start off the conversation with me (I always had to do that), and whenever I'm around her, she just doesn't bother looking at me and at least saying hi. Whenever the time allowed me to start talking to her, I always stopped myself because there were other guys talking to her, and the way that she was acting around them was almost the same way that she was acting around me.

I couldn't believe it. She was just only being nice to me, but I couldn't stand the fact that I can never get close to her and be more than a friend. It just really hurt me.... That just even furthered my depression more, and I didn't feel like talking to anyone, not even my friends.... I keep dreaming that she'll be with me someday, that we'll both come to see one another as a couple, and have a long-lasting relationship that could last through high school. There were even times that I had hoped for her to come talk to me and notice that I wasn't okay. All this time, all I ever wanted was to tell Stephenie about my feelings for her. It's something that I've kept hidden inside me for two years, and I just wanted to let it out. In spite of all the times I attempted to talk to her, I knew that deep down inside, I can never tell her about how I feel. No matter how amazing of a person I become with all the great personal qualities and talents I develop and nurture, I won't ever become the right guy for her. I want to be. I wish I could, but something tells me that it will never happen.

Does it make me wrong for crushing on a girl that long and not even realizing that she's not interested in me?

Does it make it wrong to desire a girl in my life?

I feel like I've been going at this forever even though it's only been a few years. I don't even know what to even expect or think anymore. I feel like I've always had to keep a part of myself locked up inside because there's not one girl that I can really tell everything about myself to. For the longest time, I've just wanted that girl that I can just basically share anything about myself with. What I actually just realized recently is that high school isn't the appropriate place to be looking for a special someone. When people there date, it's only either for weeks, or months. Then, they break up and move on to a different person to only later on break up with that person again and repeat the cycle. People are there for themselves, their own cliques and reputation. Most of them aren't open to being independent and meeting new people. They worry too much about fitting in and looking for approval from others. In all my years of high school, I have never once believed in high school popularity, or whatever it is that you call it. To me, that's just all bogus stuff. Well, needless to say, my search continues on, and I'll keep putting my faith in meeting that girl that I have been waiting for. Hopefully sooner than I think.