It's Come to An End...

(sighs)...Right now, I just don't know how to start this. I feel like I once had something that I cherished for the time being, but now, it's just gone like the wind...Those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, it's basically this: I just lost a friendship with a girl... and I'm pretty torn about it... I mean, we were like close friends when we first met. We had such a great time hanging out during lunchtime, and sometimes in the school mornings and nutrition breaks. Now, all that has stopped. Before I go on, let me brief you about this girl. Her name is Courtney. I mentioned her briefly in my "A Bit Overwhelmed With Senior Year" entry. She just transferred to my school at the beginning of the year, and I remember how she was on the day when I decided to be friends with her. She didn't have anyone to talk to, and she was just standing right next to a classroom all by herself. I could tell that she was lonely. So, I decided to go over and approach her. It went well, and we hanged out during lunch on that day. I remember that she had asked me about a personal question while we were talking, and it was about self-harm. She asked me if I knew anyone who did that, and I looked down at her left arm, and saw cuts on her left arm from the past. I didn't panic in any way nor talked her down on what she did before. I just basically tell her that I understand what she went through. To be honest, I was surprised that she had opened up to me about that since I know that opening up to someone about that subject is hard for most people. Although, she told me that she doesn't do it anymore since her parents found out and made her get rid of all her cutting tools. From everything I assessed, I believed her, and she indeed was telling the truth. She also went on telling me that she got bullied before, and upon hearing everything that she told me from that to problems in her family, I started really feeling sorry for her. It's clear that she just needed a good friend to hang out with and be able to talk to.

One day, while we were hanging out, I decided to tell her what I wanted to say to her for a while. I clearly told her that if she ever needs someone to talk to about anything, I'll be here to listen. I went on saying that I'm just concerned for her well-being, and I let her know that I just want to be a good friend to her. She acknowledged all that I had said that day, but judging from the way that she did it, it seemed like she didn't really take it into consideration, and it didn't really matter to her. About a month later after we met, my assumption about that would be right. She started getting distant from me. We weren't hanging out as much as we used to. I hardly ever saw her around school too. Before that all happened, I actually managed to get her phone number just to stay in touch with her since I got around to meeting up with her during nutrition break and just simply asked as a way to just see how she's doing since we hardly see one another, but whenever I texted her, she never responded back. I just text her not even looking for a conversation (that was only the first time around), but I just let her know that I'm just checking up on her just to see how she's doing. Still, she doesn't even respond with a simple "Thank you." Heck, I even decided to just call her one time a couple weeks back, but she just picked up and literally hung up the phone...

I realized that she was really avoiding me. I didn't know what else to do...Talking to her in person was out of the question because whenever I'm just around the area where she's at, she just gets up and leaves right when she sees me. So, I ended up consulting my school counselor about Courtney. My counselor promised me that she would keep my name anonymous so that when she talked to Courtney, Courtney won't find out that it was me who referred her to speak to my counselor.

Five days pass by, and today, I get informed about what's been going on with Courtney. While I was glad to find out that nothing serious was going on with her, I was just told that she was dealing with a lot of problems. My counselor went on saying that it's best to just leave her alone, and not only that, but let her go...

I didn't have a choice...so that's what I did. Throughout most of the day, I was just really sad...I was already aware that this is what it would eventually come down to, but who knew that it would impact me a lot?

I feel like I relived an experience with Anne, only difference this time is Courtney is still in the school, and I'm not going into a 3 month depression like I did with Anne last year. I'm upset with myself quite a bit, but then again, none of this was my fault. I keep telling myself that, but somehow, I feel like I'm somewhat indirectly responsible for what happened with my friendship with Courtney.

The truth is I can't help her or be there for her any longer...She's so enclosed in this darkness that not even anyone, not even me can pull her out from it. A lot of things was going on with her beforehand anyways before she even met me. The only person that can really help her get through all this is Courtney herself.

I don't know...I feel like maybe I could've done something different with her, but there's nothing different I could've done with her. Either way, this would've ended up in what it is now.

I don't know what hurts more: losing someone that you care about a lot as a friend when he/she not only doesn't care about you, but also doesn't want you around in his/her life? Or getting hurt and rejected by someone that you had feelings for?

I can tell you that I've been through both, but it's just unbelievable for me just saying this: I'm used to people walking out on me...and indirectly hurting me before they even do so.

I'm not sure what to think at this point except for one thing: don't expect anything from anyone.

Will I ever hear from Courtney again? Will she ever come back to me and pick up where we left off?

It's doubtful...and I wouldn't be surprised if I went through the rest of my high school year without hearing anything from her.

There's nothing else I can do. This is all in her hands now, and I don't think we're even friends anymore...

Will I be okay?

The answer is simply this: I don't know...I honestly don't know...