I'm Feeling Empty...and Lonely...

I really don't know how to start this off.... Lately, I've just been feeling down, and shedding tears at least a few times during the past weeks that have gone by. I've come to the realization that high school isn't the right environment for me to be looking for a meaningful relationship. Majority of the people there are just really immature, and I feel like I'm the ONLY one at my school that's a lot more mature for my age. I feel like there's no one for me there. It's hard accepting that realization. I just don't know how much more I can endure this. The weight and pain of life is really starting to bear down on me. It's like every time I contribute my efforts into wanting to accomplish something, majority of the time, it always goes the other way, and by that I mean it just doesn't go so well. Now, I bet you're wondering what is it that I'm so down about. It's something that is just one word: love. If you remember reading my "Finding a Special Someone" entry, you would know that I've been waiting for the right girl to come into my life. I know that high school isn't the end to finding that someone, but sometimes, I feel like each day that counts down, deep inside, my heart feels more and more lonely. For the longest time, I've been holding out for someone to fill that empty part inside of me, but there hasn't been anyone yet. I've always wanted to have that special someone that I can tell anything to. I wouldn't have to worry about trust, I can truly love that girl, and she'd always be there for me no matter what. I've needed that comfort for a long time, and now, I just don't know...

There's a part of me I keep locked inside. I can't even discuss this part of me with my friends. It's not that they don't care about me and won't bother to listen to me; it's just that this is something that even they don't understand because they're not thinking about this as of right now. Does it make me wrong for just wanting someone to be part of my life? I've desired that for what's been feeling like such a long time. Two days ago, I was walking around the school halls after school and happened to come across a red rose just lying down on a random spot. I picked it up, and smelled it. It was still fresh. I held onto it as I kept on walking around. The rose felt like something I never wanted to let go of. After a long while of holding it, I decided to take it with me and put it in the front top of my car on the driver side where I can see it. I've held onto it since then, and I wanted to keep it just as a reminder that love will find its way to me, someway, somehow.

Gosh...I feel so selfish just ranting about this when there's other people out there that have it more harder than I do. I mean, I'm lucky that I don't get into fights, get bullied, and I have a significant amount of friends that keeps me going. The thing is though: not even my friends can help fill that hole inside me that's been empty for a long time.

I don't even know what else to say...I once read a quote that said "The most lonely place in the world is the human heart when love is absent." To be honest, THAT is the place that I've been in for such a long time, and I've been waiting for someone to pull me out of that. It seems like after everything that I went through, I feel like I'm just going to continue remaining in that place...

I wish someone could see right past my enthusiastic side. I wish someone would know that even though I've been saying I'm good, great, etc., that girl would know that I'm not okay because I'll admit: inside I feel vulnerable.

As the days go by now, I grow more and more bitter about the girls in my high school. I just feel like there's almost no one there that suits me....almost every single one is really immature, and they can be really rude too and make me look like an idiot for even having a conversation with them...

I just don't know what to think or expect anymore...

I am everything you want.
I am everything you need.
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be.
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time,
But I mean nothing to you
And I don't know why.

I'm so lonely on the inside,
I'm so busy out there,
And all I ever wanted
Was somebody who cares.

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I'm so sad....please....I feel like I've been too strong to keep on believing forever...when will the day come when I finally meet the girl of my dreams?

I feel like that day just seems far away from me....

(Sighs)...I'm done here...