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slowly drowning (triggering/strong language)
okay, so this is a thing, i haven't wrote a blog post here on TH in forever. I was doing really great in the time that i was kinda mia from TH. I was happy, not cutting, didn't have many suicidal thoughts and felt good, i thought it was going to last. i thought "oh if this is how recovery is then why is it so easy." i feel almost stupid for saying that now. I'm really glad that i felt better for about 3 months, and that that 3 months was during summer. it sure as hell didn't last.
it started getting worse again like a little less than a week ago. it was just an urge to hurt myself and i thought nothing of it since i'd still get them a couple times every week. the urge got worse and i really didn't expect it so it felt so horrible, i almost cut but some how got past it, maybe because i'm almost at 10 weeks,i don't know. then over the next couple days up until today just got continually worse, today was the worst so far this time. I've been triggered all day, been really fucking suicidal and been super panicky.Had a panic attack earlier when i was eating lunch (not gonna talk about that in this blog post), got really close to harming myself after that. I still want to and i think thats why i'm writing because i don't necessarily want to cut, something in my head is urging me to though. urging me to cut deep and not wake up tomorrow. reminding me that i just have to stay quiet and no one will notice that i slip away.
All of this just feels like i'm laying down in a rushing river and someone is putting heavy rocks on my chest and all the people who i care about are just standing on the river shore watching as i drown. its physically painful right now, i feel like the water is getting in my lungs. i can't breathe.
The thoughts of killing myself are back and pretty bad, I honestly don't feel like i have control over my thoughts or much of my actions anymore. somewhere in my brain i really don't want to cut or kill myself but most of my brain is screaming and urging me on.
fuck don't know how much longer i can hold on
it started getting worse again like a little less than a week ago. it was just an urge to hurt myself and i thought nothing of it since i'd still get them a couple times every week. the urge got worse and i really didn't expect it so it felt so horrible, i almost cut but some how got past it, maybe because i'm almost at 10 weeks,i don't know. then over the next couple days up until today just got continually worse, today was the worst so far this time. I've been triggered all day, been really fucking suicidal and been super panicky.Had a panic attack earlier when i was eating lunch (not gonna talk about that in this blog post), got really close to harming myself after that. I still want to and i think thats why i'm writing because i don't necessarily want to cut, something in my head is urging me to though. urging me to cut deep and not wake up tomorrow. reminding me that i just have to stay quiet and no one will notice that i slip away.
All of this just feels like i'm laying down in a rushing river and someone is putting heavy rocks on my chest and all the people who i care about are just standing on the river shore watching as i drown. its physically painful right now, i feel like the water is getting in my lungs. i can't breathe.
The thoughts of killing myself are back and pretty bad, I honestly don't feel like i have control over my thoughts or much of my actions anymore. somewhere in my brain i really don't want to cut or kill myself but most of my brain is screaming and urging me on.
fuck don't know how much longer i can hold on
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Comments
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hey!
I'm really sorry to hear that your struggling right now! It must really suck! But I want you to know you should pay more attention to that little part that's telling you don't do it. Its really good you are resisting the urges
Something that helped me is that I have a a little box. In that box I have a bunch of postitve quotes, lots of pictures of friends and family or people that I'm close too that I know that don't want me gone. Also I have play dough and other stuff to distract me at the moment! When things get bad I look at the pictures and do what ever with it.. It may not be a permanet solution but it can distract you for a little bit keeping a journel helps too
I hope it gets better soon! if you ever need anyone feel free to message me anytime
Posted August 18th 2014 at 06:09 AM by Its.Just.Angie
