Erase

I'm getting sick of living.
How long has it been? Almost a month with calling him and no responce?
Friday's suppose to be our 1 year anniversary. The day I've been so excited to reach just 2 months ago is the day I dread will be filled with utter sadness.
I call him everyday at least 3 times. I send him a one sentence email everyday just saying something I fear or feel at that moment. And yet, nothing.
I'm nearly tired but I can't give up until I know the truth. I know, it sounds obsessive, but I can't give up hope.
I still love him. Horribly, unbearibly. And the more the days go, the more that love stabs into itself with a rusty dull blade. It hurts and it's slowly bleeding out. I'm scared that at some point it's just gonna die. And I don't want it to.
I've realized that I like my one friend Erik. But I'm 99.9999% sure he doesn't like me back. That's mostly motivated by the fact that he's into the girly type of girls that are nice and look like girls and dress like girls and talk like girls and feel like girls and are girls. I'm a girl, just not that type of girl.
And plus, I'm not even sure if this like is real true like or it's just want for someone to love me because I'm losing the one person I believed loved me.
Well, I mean, I felt attracted to him before but I pushed it away 'cause Jeff and I believed I shouldn't feel that way because I'm in a relationship.
Whenever I think or imagine me and Erik being together that way it just doesn't sit right. It's like, a puzzle piece that just doesn't fit quite right. It's close, just not, you know, right.
When I think of me and Jeff, it fits perfectly. Not like we were made for each other perfectly, but the puzzle peice fits.
But maybe it fits, but the picture isn't coherant.
I'm desperate for the truth now. I don't care about anything anymore. I don't care how we'll end up, if we'll still be together or we'll break up. Nothing else matters if I don't have the truth.
Well, 83% of me doesn't care. 17% is like I care about what the outcome is because 14% wants to stay with him and live happily and make sure his promises are kept and marry him and have his children and grow old and retire and die. Like he said, "And when you die, I'll be lying next to you, also dead"
Then again, he also said "You're my first crush" and he lied.
It sickens me to think that he said that pretending he was talking to someone else. To his real first crush. To the one he really loved.
Not me. Not me.
"For God said unto me, 'Thou shall not be loved, for thou is a monster.'"
My heart has bled all it has and already wants to start anew. She's already pinpointed a new interest, but she wants to approach but is scared and hesitant because her wounds are still healing. My brain dealt with heart's sadness and pain and wants to move on, in fact, is ready to move on. She's emotionless, pushing away heart and ignoring her completely, as if blocking her out completely.
Me?
I'm still stuck in love with him. And until I get all the answers, until I know why he lied and if he lied about anything else and if he wants me anymore and if he loves me anymore and if he even loved me in the first place will I be ready to let go.
Everything else is ready.
I just gotta let go.
I just can't. Not now, not yet, not anytime soon.

"You can't chose what stays and what fades away, and I'd do anything, to make you stay," No Light No Light, Florance + The Machine.

This stupid sign in failed thing is flashing while I type this and it's annoying the fuck out of me and I wanna kill it.