Dealing With Friends. (rant)

Okay, so I'm always struggling with my friends, if it isn't the trans stuff, it's the "you don't support me" stuff... Like, really? I can only count on one person that's my friend to talk about everything, and I don't want to overwhelm them.

Like my friend, let's call her E. She's kinda sorta staying with me, and we were talking about something, and she asks me if "they're like I use to be", as in, trans. And I'm like "use to be", WTF? Just because I stopped talking to someone about being trans or thinking or struggling with being trans does not mean I'm not trans anymore, does not mean I "use to be". I stopped talking about it to her because 1) She never has time for me on Facebook, nor do we talk on the phone, and 2) I've talked to her about being depressed last year and found out that she had told her mother and her mother had known!- No fucking way am I trusting that girl with that if that's what happened.

And then there is my other friend, A, and I told her I was hurting myself, I showed her my arm, for god's sake! She just looked, made a "hmm" sound, and then just started reading again. Later we were talking about it, and I sent her what it meant, and then one day I needed someone to talk to, so I started talking to her, I was feeling really, really, horrible, like killing-myself horrible, like I-want-to-die horrible, and then she said "brb, I have to go pack up the camping stuff", and I was like, REALLY? I TRUST you to help me like I help you, and you leave me. I could have done something that could have been disastrous because I didn't feel supported or loved or really cared for, and it would have been partly her fault.

I feel like I'm replace-able, like I don't really matter most of the time to them. I mean... Really?- I also don't hide my scars or my cuts and no one notices. No one but that one friend cares, and it's just really scary to be in that position. Where you can try to talk to people and you just make you feel worse because they can't help you, or they don't try to, and you do pretty much anything for them, or you would do.