Log in (
Therapy Appointment Today,
Posted October 29th 2009 at 05:10 AM by ThoughtManifest
Second one so far, I really like her to. Doesn't feel like she's talking down to me or patronizing me, just listening and letting me work things out without any judgement. Don't get that too often at home, so it's a big relief.
After I explained more of what my home life is like, she said that she hadn't ever really had a person like me in her office before. Seeing how she's been doing this for 10+ years, that was a bit of a surprise and helps me to realize that I'm not overreacting when I think that my life is just a little different than everyone elses. She even said that it sounds like I'm living in a prison at home, and she was spot on. Sounds over the top, not true at all, right? But it's amazing how closely that holds.
I made the mistake of telling my mother this (that I'm a unique case for my therapist) and she insisted on knowing what I was talking about that would make the therapist think that way. I, of course, refused to tell her. It's my right to stay silent, and the therapist's right to stay quiet unless I'm going to hurt myself or others. But I told my mother that the therapist is confidential, and almost as a threat she said 'no she isn't, you're still a minor." Awesome ma, real awesome. So now I just have to trust that the therapist won't break her confidentiality rule. I don't think she will.
Though now that it's becoming clearer how strange my home life is, I'm not sure what to do about it. If I can even do anything about it that is. Should I just stay quiet like always? Or speak up? Ahaha the therapist even said that I have a lot of compassion since I'm willing to stay quiet where many others would have exploded by now. This is odd, seeing as how my mother is convinced I don't hold compassion for anyone.
(triggering-- SH)
Don't think I'll be hurting myself anymore. I sat myself down the last time, looked myself in the mirror, and knowingly did it with my last alcohol wipe as a cleaner. Now that I've run out, it's time to make a decision: do I lie/steal to get more? Or do I stop? I could easily get more, doesn't take that much manipulation, but hiding my arm all the time is extra effort that I would rather not do from now on. Or at least until I find another alternative. It was fun, that's for sure, but not feasible anymore. Guess I'll need to find another outlet. Nothing could be as satisfying as seeing those red lines puff up and scab though, as satisfying as dragging that safety pin into and across my skin. But I guess I'll have to try. Maybe one day I'll find something that can compare.
Kinda scary how now all I can think of is pulling the safety pins out again, clean or not. But that is a sign of an addiction, right? And I'm above that. I'll cut on my own terms, not on the addictions'. (Though some would argue they are one and the same)
(end trigger)
I'm supposed to be writing my novel right now. But there's something blocking me inside, something unwilling to budge. Maybe I'll break it down, but I know it sure as hell won't break me. This new novel has a lot of me in it, and I'm not sure how comfortable I am with that quite yet. But I have a few more months of solitude to figure that all out and come to terms with it. Adam's calling, Steven, you better go. It's time to write your independence.
Until next time
After I explained more of what my home life is like, she said that she hadn't ever really had a person like me in her office before. Seeing how she's been doing this for 10+ years, that was a bit of a surprise and helps me to realize that I'm not overreacting when I think that my life is just a little different than everyone elses. She even said that it sounds like I'm living in a prison at home, and she was spot on. Sounds over the top, not true at all, right? But it's amazing how closely that holds.
I made the mistake of telling my mother this (that I'm a unique case for my therapist) and she insisted on knowing what I was talking about that would make the therapist think that way. I, of course, refused to tell her. It's my right to stay silent, and the therapist's right to stay quiet unless I'm going to hurt myself or others. But I told my mother that the therapist is confidential, and almost as a threat she said 'no she isn't, you're still a minor." Awesome ma, real awesome. So now I just have to trust that the therapist won't break her confidentiality rule. I don't think she will.
Though now that it's becoming clearer how strange my home life is, I'm not sure what to do about it. If I can even do anything about it that is. Should I just stay quiet like always? Or speak up? Ahaha the therapist even said that I have a lot of compassion since I'm willing to stay quiet where many others would have exploded by now. This is odd, seeing as how my mother is convinced I don't hold compassion for anyone.
(triggering-- SH)
Don't think I'll be hurting myself anymore. I sat myself down the last time, looked myself in the mirror, and knowingly did it with my last alcohol wipe as a cleaner. Now that I've run out, it's time to make a decision: do I lie/steal to get more? Or do I stop? I could easily get more, doesn't take that much manipulation, but hiding my arm all the time is extra effort that I would rather not do from now on. Or at least until I find another alternative. It was fun, that's for sure, but not feasible anymore. Guess I'll need to find another outlet. Nothing could be as satisfying as seeing those red lines puff up and scab though, as satisfying as dragging that safety pin into and across my skin. But I guess I'll have to try. Maybe one day I'll find something that can compare.
Kinda scary how now all I can think of is pulling the safety pins out again, clean or not. But that is a sign of an addiction, right? And I'm above that. I'll cut on my own terms, not on the addictions'. (Though some would argue they are one and the same)
(end trigger)
I'm supposed to be writing my novel right now. But there's something blocking me inside, something unwilling to budge. Maybe I'll break it down, but I know it sure as hell won't break me. This new novel has a lot of me in it, and I'm not sure how comfortable I am with that quite yet. But I have a few more months of solitude to figure that all out and come to terms with it. Adam's calling, Steven, you better go. It's time to write your independence.
Until next time
Total Comments 1
Comments
-
Hey there! Glad to hear your therapy went well.
As for the stopping the self harm. I certainly think that is a good idea. Try and find a few alternatives you can do instead of turning to self harm. Good luck.Posted October 29th 2009 at 09:11 PM by .Sarah.
