Safety. (TW: Self harm, suicide)

My dad searched my room before I got out of the hospital and took my good self harm and suicide methods. I'm trying to wait for the right time to get them back and it's so hard. What he didn't find to self harm isn't as satisfying so it's not giving me that same sense of relief. I was self harming a little more severely before he took away all my stuff and now I can't get back to that same level. And I had a plan for those suicide methods.

I also gave up what he didn't find of my suicide methods to my visiting nurse and I am heavily regretting it because I could've used those and ended my suffering, or at least ended up back in the hospital where it's safe.

I don't have the self harm and suicide stuff that brings me security anymore and it's freaking me out. If things didn't work out I always had them as a coping mechanism or a backup plan. Now they're gone and I'm fucked.

I am starting a DBT program on Tuesday and one of their requirements was that I take suicide off the table for the time I'm there. I have x amount of time left and if I'm not better by then maybe I'll give myself permission to do something about it. Or maybe I'll be stable.

Let me have more as a security blanket. Let me die.