Hospitalization number six. (TW: Suicide, self harm, mentions of vomit, language)

12/26/2024
Well, I got a little too silly. Here's to hospitalization number 6.
Where I go to group made me go to the ER because of an increase in suicidal ideation, self harming almost daily, and nonstop anxiety.
The ER itself wasn't bad. My patient sitter was so nice and we had a lot of great conversations I haven't had with previous sitters. Then I transferred to the ABU part of the ER where I had my own room with a TV and watched a SpongeBob marathon.
I got to the psych ward around 9pm and we did the check in process, then I went to bed.

12/27/2024
I woke up at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep. I did meet my roommate though and she seems incredibly nice. I've been here before and she said I'm helping her with the routine here.
I met with the social worker and she is going to try helping me stay connected with where I go to group so I can keep going there for meds and case management.
I feel so guilty though because my sister is going through all the drama with her husband basically leaving her and taking care of my niece and now I'm in the hospital. It makes me look attention seeking and that's not my intent.
I'm having gender dysphoria because I'm in a hospital top with no bra and I'm so aware of my breasts.
Groups went okay today.
My chronic GI conditions are flaring and there's not much they can do. My stomach feels so bad.
My dad came for visiting hours and he said I have to learn to calm down. He also said it bothers him and my mom that I don't talk to them but I don't trust them after their reactions in middle school and high school. They do want to help find solutions to help me with my sister/niece/dog drama.
I'm taking so many anxiety meds to get through the day. Of course the one that works the best is a benzo I won't be prescribed out of here.
I feel so bad for my niece dealing with her parents' drama and now mine.

12/28/2024
I'm tired of my GI symptoms flaring and also I'm so exhausted. I'm anxious and frustrated.
I've been self harming to the extent possible. I want someone to help me and I guess it's my way of reaching out, but it didn't work last time I was here.
But at the same time I don't want to stop self harming in the near future. It has been a distraction, coping method, and sense of control for me for all these years. It's a part of me.
They have my diagnosis as major depressive disorder when I'm really bipolar II and I hate mislabeling. They also brought BPD b ack and I've been trying to get rid of it for months. I also have generalized anxiety disorder not listed. And they have my Geodon at the wrong time so it's not even going to work properly.
I hate this but I don't want my father to keep visiting me. I don't like him knowing much about this stuff.

12/29/2024
I'm scared they will discharge me in a few days. I feel safe here away from my life. I know I'm going to spiral right back down if they release me right now. I don't want to go home. I plan to self harm right away but things can change.
I'm thinking of telling the nurse or doctor tomorrow that I should have just killed myself.
I'm so tired of having a chromic GI illness flare when everyone can't or won't help me. I'm miserable all the time and can barely eat and the hospital doesn't even have Pepto Bismol. I haven't had a flare like this in a long time and I have no control over how it's handled. I want an Ativan.

12/30/2024
I was woken up at 6:38am to take a pill they gave me with breakfast any other time and it set me to be irritable. Then my nurse yesterday told me she set me up to get Ensure for breakfast and it didn't happen so she dropped the ball. I don't understand why nobody can or will help me.
I'm anxious and angry and I'd normally be self harming by now if I was home. So I'm crying and waiting on Ativan instead.
The nurse found out I'm self harming on the unit and made a big deal out of it. She had to look at my body. She had me take Zyprexa for anxiety which I've never taken before. So far it seems to be numbing. In the end it ended up knocking me out for the rest of the day.

12/31/2024
I am very sad, anxious, angry, and tired. Took an Ativan. Still self harming on the unit and I don't care about the consequences.
I read my notes last night and they're going to call my family about my suicide method and self harm methods. My parents may be family but they are also my landlords so I don't see how they can legally do that. I'm flipping shit. But stores exist so I can buy most of it again at a later time.
My APRN asked to see my self harm and now she's calling wound care. It's not even that bad.
Update: The social worker said she can't call my parents without me signing a release so I'm in the clear.
My case manager has been trying to get ahold of my therapist to make sure she's keeping me and there has been no response. I'm terrified that this will be how she drops me like my old therapist.
I looked at my notes from my nurse from yesterday and she said my symptoms are psychosomatic, I'm demanding, and constantly seeking staff attention. Like no, I have chronic GI issues that are IN A FLARE and I'm ADVOCATING FOR MYSELF. I want another Ativan.
They gave me a cream for my injuries but I refused it. I'm just going to keep self harming anyway. So why treat it?

1/1/2025
Happy fucking New Year I guess. I don't feel like going to any groups today even though it looks bad on me and may prevent me from getting my cell phone. I'm too depressed.
We also had pet therapy today with Ryder the golden retriever. He's so cute and really helps boost my mood.

1/2/2025
I woke up very anxious and had to take an Ativan. I want to hurt myself and die. I feel my heartbeat even though I know my medication is keeping my heartrate normal.

1/3/2025
I am still depressed, anxious, and irritable. I keep reading my notes and wondering how staff have come to the (probably correct) observations they have made, such as perseveration, circumstantial thought process, and flat affect.
The doctor agreed to up my daily anxiety med to three times daily and was open to me trying Zyprexa as needed for my anxiety. I took it and slept through group.
I also asked for more toothpaste and the tech was arguing with me that he put some in my cup. I was confused because they only put stuff in your cup when you first get here, so I said I'm not new but he doubled down. The nurse had to vouch for me so I could get toothpaste.

1/4/2025
I want to start taking one anxiety med in the morning and another in the afternoon and evening.
My new roommate said she's been puking since 5am and now I'm flipping shit. I slept through it but now I'm aware and can hear if she starts again so I'm going to try to stay out of the room. My nurse told me it's alcohol related so she's not contagious. She threw up so much that she overflowed the toilet and it needs to be fixed.

1/5/2025
The social worker asked us to form our one year goals and I didn't participate because I don't want to be alive in one year. My one year goal is to be dead. Took a Zyprexa and have to try to stay awake now. I told my nurse "I'm here" when he asked how I was and unfortunately he didn't probe further. So he thinks I'm fine. This nurse never probes properly.
The nurse tried arguing with me when I asked for another Zyprexa. Like sorry it is the one med that makes me not want to hurt myself. I'm scared it won't be prescribed by someone outside the hospital.
Apparently the doctor prescribed me a dose of Buspar that is above the maximum dose so I'm afraid I won't be prescribed that when I leave either.
My roommate has a lot of fiancé drama and it's so awkward hearing it.

1/6/2025
This morning, my doctor asked if I'm feeling any better from when I came in and I said no but I'm starting to think it's somewhere in the middle. I'm still self harming daily and getting anxious and needing meds daily, but I'm less anxious now. But the suicidal thoughts are still there and I don't know if I'm going to act on them when I get out of here or not, which is unsettling. I also am always so tired and I want to sleep/am sleeping all the time and I don't know if it's because I'm depressed or just because I'm here. I'll try to explain things to my social worker better later but if not I will try to reexplain to the doctor tomorrow.
The other reason the doctor is hesitant to prescribe the Zyprexa for daily use is because it causes weight gain and I'm already obese, so I guess I truly will be at the mercy of an outside prescriber, which sucks because it helps. He also said doctors prescribe the dose of Buspar all the time and it doesn't really hurt people.

1/7/2025
I had to wait two hours for an Ativan based on my med schedule and I was flipping shit for those two hours.
And now my NEW new roommate is throwing up and I'm also flipping shit over catching something.
I had a discussion with my social worker though and it was very validating and I am glad to have her. We even had fun conversations mixed in with the serious ones. It made me feel better.

1/8/2025
It's my nieces twelfth birthday and I am stuck here so I'm feeling a little guilty. The doctor told me that if all goes well I might be able to be discharged before the weekend. It makes me nervous. My anxiety is still spiking to where I need meds and I don't have these specific meds out of the hospital and don't know if the outside prescriber will be willing to to prescribe them. My first thoughts when I get anxious are to hurt or kill myself, which I guess I will deal with for the rest of my life but right now I'm still in a place where I'm afraid I will act on my suicidal thoughts. There definitely will be self harm when I get out of here at some point.

1/9/2025
I kept on waking up overnight to my roommate with cyclical vomiting syndrome throwing up. When I woke up for the list time I felt so anxious that I felt like I was dying. My limbs felt noodly, my head was fuzzy, and my heart was pounding. I basically had to take anxiety meds instantly.
I convinced my doctor to switch me from Geodon to Zyprexa daily. I hope he sends me home with some and the new dose of Buspar.
The new plan may be to do PHP at the IOL if my hospital case manager can get the mileage override form to take me to the location since my dad won't be able to take me. Then I will transfer back to the original place for a once a week group if possible. I also might be discharged Monday or Tuesday instead of tomorrow, which I'm actually happy with because I'm scared.

1/10/2025
I took the Zyprexa before bed along with other meds that make me sleepy and woke up feeling like I was being weighed down by rocks but I can't say it's the cause yet. I want to adjust it to be taken in the evening when I'm discharged.
My RSS helped me make a coping skills toolbox so I hope I use it and it helps.
They're giving me the choice to pick my discharge date. I think I'll pick Monday but I hate decisions. What if staying the extra day is the better choice? One day shouldn't matter, right?

1/11/2025
I keep waking up extremely fatigued and with an upset stomach and I hope it's not from the Zyprexa because I really need it. The upset stomach could be an anxiety/GI flare because I'm worried about discharge and next steps. I will worry until some confusing factors about what I'm doing for discharge care are cleared up. I'm scared that all the options are bad and I'll be screwed.

1/12/2025
The plan is still to be discharged tomorrow and I'm still nervous about it. I'm scared I'll end up back here and with my track record it's possible. I didn't wake up anxious or with an upset stomach.
I did enjoy pet therapy today. Ryder is a good boy.
Even though I feel better I still don't want to live until I'm 30. I'm almost 29.
The time until I go home is running out and I'm feeling anxiety over it. How long until I decompensate again and I have to come back?

1/13/2025
Today is discharge day and I'm so scared and reading what's next. I'm going to fail.
When I got home everything was okay for a while, but then when I went into my bedroom I noticed my self harm and suicide methods were gone. The social worker lied about not being able to call my parents. I'm flipping shit.
I ended up finding some of my less good tools which I guess will have to be okay for now until things die down where I feel comfortable enough to order new stuff without my parents going through my packages.

1/14/2025
I woke up at 5:30am flipping shit about the self harm and suicide methods. I ended up spending half an hour working to hide the items in different spots that are less easy to find and also self harming a little. It's not as satisfying with these self harm tools. I'm flipping shit.