Overwhelmed. (TW: Self harm, suicide)

It’s been a while since I have blogged and a lot has happened but honestly I can’t think of most of it at this point so I’m just going to go with the main points.

I am very much not okay. I almost ended up in the hospital because I was incredibly suicidal but I decided to do a partial hospitalization program instead. I had to stop seeing my individual therapist because the insurance won’t cover both at once so I’m hoping she is willing to take me back after I am done or I will be devastated. I am moving down to the intensive outpatient program on Wednesday.

I have been self harming more and still want to kill myself, so I guess that PHP is not stabilizing me as much this time as it has in the past. I keep debating asking to talk to the crisis team but I’m afraid they’ll call an ambulance and be admitted. But maybe that’s what I need at this point. I’m just delaying the inevitable. I don’t want to be alive in the next six months, let alone the next six weeks.

My sister and niece are here from Florida and will be here until June at minimum. She and my brother in law are “on a break.” I don’t believe in breaks and I don’t think it’s going to end well. The person that suffers the most in this situation is my niece though, who is put in the middle.

I’m already so overwhelmed and it’s only been a few days. I don’t have a lot of alone time anymore and I have to change my lifestyle and patterns to accommodate them being here. My niece wants to be here 24/7 and wants to sleep on my couch all the time because I have a TV in my living room. She’s also about to be twelve so she’s in that moody teenager phase. On top of her being here I also have to deal with the PHP, my Pride committee obligations, and other stuff that I have to do every week. This coming week I have no time for myself and I’m already stressed about it.

I’m ashamed because I don’t want my sister and niece to be here because of how overwhelming it is. I am also worried because if I end up dead or in the hospital now it will look like I am attention seeking and just doing it because my sister and niece are getting all of the attention right now. That’s not at all why I want to do it.

I just am tired of existing and feeling anxious and depressed all the time. I’m taking anxiety medication four times every day and am still so anxious it hurts. My chest and heart always feel weird and always bother me. I want to rip my skin off on the regular. I am so tired. All. The. Time. Little things overwhelm me. I want to be dead so I don’t have to deal with this anymore. I don’t deserve to be alive. Nothing is ever going to get better for me. Instead it gets worse and worse as time goes on and I’m so unwilling to do anything about it anymore. I’ve given up.

Someone put me out of my misery.