I'm better off dead. (TW: Suicide, self harm)

My mixed episode turned into a severe depressive episode, also with a lot of anxiety.

I haven't showered in a week. I am going to tomorrow only because I have an MRI and I don't want them to get upset with me for being dirty. If not I'd probably push it off even longer. I can go to the gym just fine but showering is a nightmare and I don't know why. I never have issues showering when I'm depressed.

I've been self harming regularly, almost daily. It's nothing severe but this is the most frequent it's been. I even self harmed in public the other day which is something I haven't done in a LONG time. I'm not even trying any coping mechanisms anymore. I'm just doing it.

My group therapist on Wednesdays suggested finding an individual therapist who specializes in DBT. I've reached out to some. Two of them have turned me down so far, not because they don't have any openings but because they couldn't help me. It's so great knowing you're too mentally ill to receive help. It's sending me on an absolute spiral.

It makes me feel like I'm better off dead because I'm beyond help and nobody can help me. I'd probably have attempted suicide by now except I'm hoping my hysterectomy is approved for September and if I live through the suicide attempt the hysterectomy definitely would be denied. If it does get denied I'll absolutely be in the hospital. Part of me wants to say fuck the surgery and do it anyway. It's getting so bad I can't handle it anymore.

I've had the "do you need the hospital" conversation with my visiting nurse and my medication provider and the "do you need a higher level of care like PHP" with two of my clinicians. The answer is, again, I can't because of the hysterectomy. I really SHOULD be in the hospital right now and if it weren't for the hysterectomy I'd probably agree to go too.

I don't know where I'm going with this blog but I really wish I was dead. I don't deserve to be alive and don't want to be alive anymore.