If this keeps up, I will end up back in the hospital (TW: Self harm, Suicide)

As the title says, if this keeps up, I will end up back in the hospital.

My mood has been getting worse lately, especially in the month of June. I had a lot of ups and downs despite being on a ton of medications. I have been irritable and snapping at my parents for stupid things like the fact that my Dunkin order was wrong. I also had impulsive spending to the point that I had $6.14 left in my bank account by the end of the month. I have also been self harming and my suicidal thoughts are becoming more frequent.

July is no better I have self harmed three times in the past two days already. My anxiety has been through the roof since June and I have been taking my anxiety medication more often.

My disability is up for review in August and I don't think I'm going to get it renewed, and I'm panicking about the thought of going back to work. I can't handle it.

I'm waiting for my hysterectomy consult before I decide on a time for my next suicide attempt. It doesn't mean that I will actually go through with it but sometimes I set a rough date. The consult is tomorrow but I won't hear back from the insurance company for a while. My original gynecologist is all for it but I have to convince another gynecologist and then the insurance company, who may deny me because of my past suicide attempts. If I get approved for the hysterectomy I have something to live for, but if I don't get approved then why bother?

I also told my neurologist I have had an increase in headaches. I know the trigger is heat but he ordered an MRI for me for July 27 and didn't tell me ways to relieve the headaches in the meantime so there's that. At least he's being thorough with the MRI.

I have also been having symptoms where I get phlegmy and have to cough and clear my throat a lot after eating. My GI insists it can't be reflux because I'm on a reflux medication, and said it's an ENT issue. The ENT thinks it IS reflux and is sending me to their GI to get a PH-Impedance test. It's a tube that goes up your nose and down your throat into the opening of your stomach to test for reflux or GERD. You have the tube in for at least 24 hours. I've heard the test can be annoying and quite painful so I'm TERRIFIED.

THEN my medical records at my group therapy place were inaccurate. They had me written down as adjustment disorder, Bipolar I with mild depression, Bipolar I with psychotic features and catatonia, and alcohol dependence. I'm Bipolar II, borderline, and generalized anxiety. I told the clinician I drink 2-3 drinks once a month and she said she had to ask her supervisor about removing the alcohol dependence diagnosis. Her supervisor made her keep it and my clinician cited this is just because I use alcohol at all, and not because she thinks I'm an alcoholic. Alcohol dependence is SYNONYMOUS with alcoholism. S0 yes, she and her supervisor are calling me an alcoholic. I'm currently trying to go up the chain of command to see how I get this diagnosis removed from my chart. I don't care if they note I'm a social drinker, but to put alcohol dependence is atrocious. I'm TERRIFIED of having this diagnosis on my chart because if my other doctors open it up and look at it there's a chance of them treating me differently. They might also withhold treatments or medications because they think I'm an alcoholic. And why would they believe me over the clinician's notes if I try to explain what's really going on? So I'm scared and angry.

My medication prescriber wants me to consider going to a second group each week. I'm willing, but my clinician said the options are limited. There's a coping skills group, but I'd have to leave the one social thing I do every week early to get there. I play bingo once a week and the person who wins the prize is the one who has the most wins during that day. I'd never win a prize if I kept leaving early, and bingo is fun so I don't want to miss it. I guess I might have to if I can only get into the coping skills group. The other open group is a women's group. I'm nonbinary but can get past that fact. But I'm scared it'll be all about relationships and children/family. I'm aroace and also dislike kids. I don't want to go if it's going to be all about that and waste my time. But my mental health is shit so I do wish I could do a second group.

My medication provider and I are also looking at TMS therapy. I tried once with a different provider and the center rejected me, so we are looking to see if there are any other places that can do it. I'm skeptical that it'll work but I'll try it. We might also up my lithium but we aren't sure yet. But my medication provider said she is concerned about some of the symptoms I am displaying so I guess we probably need to do SOMETHING.

Maybe the hospital is the best place for me.