today was..

blah.im kind of excited because he's finally coming back from tampa for hockey. But i don't know i'm not okay, i know i need help. I just don't want to hurt my parents even more. Therapy doesn't work for me and i don't want them to have to pay for me to go to some resort thing. I just know it's wrong what i'm doing and i don't know why i still do it. My dad doesn't care about anything thats wrong with me he only cares about my grades. I tried to tell my mom i should go to the doctor and see if i need to be on anti-depressants or something. She said cave people got through life with out that shit so i don't need it either. what the hell im not a caveman and medicine was invented for a reason. I just wish i would give up this act of everythings okay around them and everything and just let them see that something is seriously wrong with me. But i showed my friend my cuts in the locker room and she cried because she'd never seen them that bad before and she asked what was wrong i couldn't answer because i just don't know. She won't tell anyone or anything she's just worried about me she also thinks i need to go to a home. But how would that make my parents feel? They'd feel like it was their faults and i don't know if i could defend myself against their insinuations about me just wanting attention and shit. I don't get why i still do this to myself. I didn't sleep a minute of last night because everytime i closed my eyes i would see my jumping in front of a bus or with a gun or falling off a bridge. I just want to be normal I know i have no one to blame but myself for starting this shit i just ughh fuck it.