- unhappiness -

I went to bed last night, praying to God that I would wake up with a different life. To wake up, cranky from going to bed four hours ago, and mad at life because I had to go to school at deal with all the people who hated me, and hang out with the few people I considered friends. This is what I wanted.

Instead, I woke up to watch my husband go to work. Fed my two month old baby girl, and went back to sleep. My day consisted of taking my dog outside, screening the few calls I even got (my husband being the only one that called), taking care of my little girl, and watching Robin Hood on Netflix.

I didn't eat until he came home, and even then I ate very little. I am depressed. I want, more than anything, to end my life. But I guess I'm not selfish enough. I cant leave S. to take care of our child on my own, and I couldn't leave her for him to fend for himself. Especially since my family would never see the baby again.

I don't do basic chores. I'm too lazy, and blame it on having to take care of baby and the puppy. I'm stuck at home all the time, even when S. isn't working. I have no future ahead of me. I didn't graduate high school, I never even got my license. I was too lazy, and I'm still to lazy even to get a goddamn GED, and I cant get a license even if I wanted to.

I had dreams. I knew they would never come true, but I had hope. What is a person without hope? I feel lifeless. I have to deal with nausea every night and pray that it's from the birth control and not because I'm pregnant. I couldn't deal if I were.

I've been sick most of my life, but Pregnancy was the worst. Especially if you have an over protective and controlling family who wont let you drink soda and force feed you prenatal vitamins that make you wanna throw up the food that already wont stay down.

And I cant change any of it. When I went to school, I knew I could change my life around. I was in the process of changing it. I was going to move to a different state to live with my sister, to go to a new school, to get disciplined by my sister who only wanted me to move in with her so she could have vacuumed floors everyday and a free baby sitter. One mistake and here I am, writing it all out because I'm nauseated, depressed, and can't get to sleep.

I hate my life.