Can I Give Up? (triggering)

I still haven't been back to see my councilor. Today was my birthday but all anyone could really think about was my little sister's volleyball tournament. My older sister is getting married and moving about 8 hours away for school and I've also been stabbed in the back by my former best friend. My old best friend said she hated me and that every bad thing that happened to her at this school was my fault. She also abandoned me for home schooling instead. My big sister is the only one I feel best around. Besides being home alone, being with only her is the best. My little sister is a bully and my parents still act like it's a crime if I be myself, the very thing they encourage. I still cut but I've gotten stronger. I cut much less now, but I keep changing where and my new spot will be revealed when I start swimming. I can't avoid swimming because that will be a red flag. I started using razors that I tore off of my shaving razors. I know that this problem is getting worse and that I need to get better. The worst part is I don't want to get better. This hurt and loneliness is all I've ever known sadly. My parents treat cutting like a crime. Each time I show them a poem I wrote they always ask "Who is this about?" as if I was upset when I wrote it. I feel it is a curse to know a line for every verse because mom and dad never like them anyway. All my poetry to them is a message about how bad I feel when I really just want to write about a freaking butterfly! I want to let go. I am so tired of fighting and hanging on when no one is coming to help me in any way. God knows I need help. Sometimes I wonder if he wants me to live life dying. All I can think is in six more years i can leave. six more years until I'm free. Then I look at my cutting and my losing my big sister. Can I last six more years when I have barely made it this far? I don't cry in front of people. I don''t wear shorts. I don't like taking off my jackets. My scars are mostly faded but even though you can't see some, I don't want to take the risk. My school councilor didn't even take me seriously. By giving up I don't mean suicide. I mean no longer trying to live. If I live then I live. If I die then I die. No more trying to get to the happy ending. Let it happen if it's supposed to. Can I do that?