I am so unbelievably frightened right now. But i am going to admit the truth on Thursday in my meeting with my CPN and i am going to see if i can find my favourite teacher in between my exams tomorrow and i will tell her. Something made me realise the other day that i have to try and fight this. I know i am not alone. It feels like it but i know i'm not. I have to fight this for everyone who needs me or has helped me. I have to be strong.

Tomorrow i am going to fight but tonight i can't...

I guess this is more a message to all of those who have been there and helped me so much. I really appreciate it and i love you lot so much. I don't know where i would be without you all.

I don't know how much longer i can fight this though. I am so tired. I don't think i can fight myself much longer, i am trying but i can feel myself slipping. Everythings getting so much harder. I can't ignore the urges. To cut, OD or to jump. Anyway i suppose what i am trying to say is if i don't...

Today's been a funny sort of day really. I woke up feeling sick and shakey...but then that's what you get for ODing I suppose. I was feeling really horrible and selfish. Still do if truth be told. But then the word selfish is permemently there on my arm. Reminding me of what I am. I feel odd. I wear long sleeves constantly. Hiding the scars. Yet I think everyone can see them. I know they can't yet I still panic about it.

My day got better. I had the most amazing conversations with...

I feel so alone, so lost, so empty, so numb. I don't want to fight this anymore. I can't fight this. Everythings just falling apart around me. I am invisible and insignificant. I dont matter. I would be lying if i said i ever did. I jus need reasons to fight but they are all being lost slowly one by one. Life seems so pointless, such a waste.
Maybe me living is just a waste of death.

I'm so confused right now. I don't know what to think anymore. I just feel empty and numb. It's like i'm running constantly in circle, i'm going nowhere, yet every lap gets harder and more tiring than the last. The pressure to give up is greater. I get used to the pain aswell so with each lap of the circle I cut more and more deeper and deeper. But like any game or race there has to be an end. I fear mines coming soon. I can't take this anymore. I want it to end. I don't want to hurt anyone but...

I don't see the point anymore in trying. I just fail. I am a dissapointment, a let down, a failure. Whatever i do i end up destroying. I am a wrecking machine. A horrible fat, stupid good for nothing wrecking machine. I went 3 whole days without cutting, didn't think it was possible but then as per usual i wreck that. I gave in. I am weak pathetic. I am horrible. I am a bitch. I am fat. I am ugly. I HATE YOU EMMA!!!I make everything worse for everyone. I fail at everything i do so why try? I am...

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It's time to change Emma, you have been selfish.....No you ARE selfish. I am sick of you moaning. I am sick of you been alive right now. You said to much the other day. You said way to much. From now on whenever anyone asks you say "I AM OK" It's a lie. But you are a lier. You never ever ever let anyone know how bad things are right now.

You are a selfish, useless, fat, ugly, worthless, lying, stupid, weak waste of space, You are horrible and you deserve to die Emma....You...

This week has just been getting worse and worse and worse Don't know how much more i can take to be honest.

I found out that practically noone cares and that when things get tough i have noone.

If it wasn't for my friend last night, i don't think i would be here right now. She has saved my life so many times now. I don't know what i would do without her <3 I just wish there was something i could do to help her feel better and see what everyone...