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Update...I guess not that there's much to say, or much point in you reading this. I simply don't matter at all. *Trig*
Posted May 17th 2012 at 10:08 PM by Anatidaephobia
I haven't really been around much. I haven't really done anything, well anything worth while. I haven't been coping at all recently. Things hit me pretty hard Friday. I finished school for good, well apart from exams if I'm even still alive to sit them. I guess it hit me that she's really gone. Like I know it was last year but I remember it like it was a minute ago and I'm so tired of replaying the whole situation in my head. Desperately wanting someone to hold me and let me cry and just be there. It was half an hour before my Geography exam and of course I had no friends at my stupid school so I held back the tears, sat the stupid exam and broke down in a park after it. I feel so stupid for letting her down. I let everyone down.
I thought things had changed a little this year. I thought I'd made friends. Hahaha me with friends yeah who am I kidding. I'm destined to be alone forever. There was one person who properly said goodbye to me and she was pissed so probably didn't even mean it. My friends couldn't wait for me to leave so yeah they probably were never even my friends at all. I love how every freaking person in my life gives up on me and people still continue to tell me that there's nothing wrong and that I'm a good person. I had to think of one good thing about me in therapy today. I had to fight back the tears everyone else reluctantly said something and I couldn't. There is nothing good about me. In the end I just aid I was responsible I was tired of everyone staring at me. Like I'm some freak. I know I am a freak but this weeks just getting worse. I can't handle things and I don't even have to fake a smile because there is no one to fake a smile for. No one has bothered with me since I've finished school. I text lets call her X asking if she was busy. I don't know why I guess I needed to let someone in and I kinda had and she promised she'd always be there. I don't know why I believe her. She just lets me down every time. She only ever bothers with me when she wants something or she knows she has to see me the next day and doesn't want to make things even worse. She probably won't even reply until the day before my friends party. I'm not going, I'll make some excuse, truthfully I'd only wreck it anyway she wouldn't want me there. I'd either lose my temper with X or break down because I'm at breaking point again. People have shown me that talking doesn't help so I learnt to keep quiet. I know it's destroying me because I've never ever been this low before but I still hide that and no one can see through it or they can and they choose to ignore me. Probably the latter, who wants to deal with me? I'm so much fucking hassle. They always let me down. People suck they really do. They're never ever there when you need them.
I feel so horrible physically and mentally. I'm exhausted and I really don't have any energy left to fight this. I've even written suicide notes to everyone because I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm literally sitting here crying my eyes out so this probably doesn't even make sense. I feel so selfish. there are people that have it so much worse but i just can't handle this. I'm fucking terrified and there is no one. The one time I need people and I have no one. I can't even explain how bad I feel right now. I'm cutting again, if i'm not starving myself I'm eating everything and then purging it, I'm not sleeping. I'm just not coping. I'm not ok and I don't know how to tell people that. This whole thing is just one big weakness and I feel so trapped. I want out. This isn't living. Anyone who says it is would be lying. I'm never going to pass exams I can't concentrate with the voices in my head screaming so loudly at me and I'm going to disappoint everyone even more. I'm not perfect and that's not ok. I know there's no such thing as perfect but I can't get my head around that fact for me.
I'm sorry everything's just a mess and I'm really not worth it. I'm not special and I will never matter, everyone has proven that to me. I have nothing to live for and I can't fight anymore. I can't do this. I'm sorry. Just let me go?
I thought things had changed a little this year. I thought I'd made friends. Hahaha me with friends yeah who am I kidding. I'm destined to be alone forever. There was one person who properly said goodbye to me and she was pissed so probably didn't even mean it. My friends couldn't wait for me to leave so yeah they probably were never even my friends at all. I love how every freaking person in my life gives up on me and people still continue to tell me that there's nothing wrong and that I'm a good person. I had to think of one good thing about me in therapy today. I had to fight back the tears everyone else reluctantly said something and I couldn't. There is nothing good about me. In the end I just aid I was responsible I was tired of everyone staring at me. Like I'm some freak. I know I am a freak but this weeks just getting worse. I can't handle things and I don't even have to fake a smile because there is no one to fake a smile for. No one has bothered with me since I've finished school. I text lets call her X asking if she was busy. I don't know why I guess I needed to let someone in and I kinda had and she promised she'd always be there. I don't know why I believe her. She just lets me down every time. She only ever bothers with me when she wants something or she knows she has to see me the next day and doesn't want to make things even worse. She probably won't even reply until the day before my friends party. I'm not going, I'll make some excuse, truthfully I'd only wreck it anyway she wouldn't want me there. I'd either lose my temper with X or break down because I'm at breaking point again. People have shown me that talking doesn't help so I learnt to keep quiet. I know it's destroying me because I've never ever been this low before but I still hide that and no one can see through it or they can and they choose to ignore me. Probably the latter, who wants to deal with me? I'm so much fucking hassle. They always let me down. People suck they really do. They're never ever there when you need them.
I feel so horrible physically and mentally. I'm exhausted and I really don't have any energy left to fight this. I've even written suicide notes to everyone because I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm literally sitting here crying my eyes out so this probably doesn't even make sense. I feel so selfish. there are people that have it so much worse but i just can't handle this. I'm fucking terrified and there is no one. The one time I need people and I have no one. I can't even explain how bad I feel right now. I'm cutting again, if i'm not starving myself I'm eating everything and then purging it, I'm not sleeping. I'm just not coping. I'm not ok and I don't know how to tell people that. This whole thing is just one big weakness and I feel so trapped. I want out. This isn't living. Anyone who says it is would be lying. I'm never going to pass exams I can't concentrate with the voices in my head screaming so loudly at me and I'm going to disappoint everyone even more. I'm not perfect and that's not ok. I know there's no such thing as perfect but I can't get my head around that fact for me.
I'm sorry everything's just a mess and I'm really not worth it. I'm not special and I will never matter, everyone has proven that to me. I have nothing to live for and I can't fight anymore. I can't do this. I'm sorry. Just let me go?
Total Comments 4
Comments
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hey love, i know you don't know me.
just want to say that you are not a rubbish human being and there are plenty of good things about you, for starters i know you are a big part of this site and it wouldn't be the same without you. if you ended it people would care and be so gutted, so you are worth it.
i'm always a PM away, even if you just want a rant.
take care xPosted May 18th 2012 at 01:19 AM by Beautiful Disaster
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I haven't finished reading this, which I will, but I needed to comment now, because I got the point that this is becoming a suicideish note... Don't give up. I know it's hard, trust me... I do. But you must have something to live for... Let's talk this through, there has to be something to hang on to.Posted May 18th 2012 at 02:18 AM by DestroyedSoul
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Okay, I'm done reading it now... Anyway... We don't really know each other, but I'm pretty sure you're one of Erin's friends... Anyway, I wanted to say... I care. And I would like to talk to you if you would like to. I would gladly try and help. I know what it's like to feel this kind of stuff... Message me? I really do want to help. I know people can seem so insincere, but I'm really interested in helping you. So please, don't give up... There has to be something worth living for... Friends? Family? A boyfriend? If not, there must be someone out there... Music? Art? Anything? Have you thought of trying to talk to someone here? I'll listen if you want to talk... Anyway, please message me? I would like to help if I could at all.Posted May 18th 2012 at 02:24 AM by DestroyedSoul
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Emma honey, you do matter to people, the people who care. This is like what I said to you the other day, those who matter don't mind, and those who matter never did. If they don't care tell em to fuck off (excuse my language) you don't need them anyway. But also it has to be a two way thing. You've gotta stop pushing people away, stop closing them off and bringing up them defense mechanisms, because if you do no-one will ever know whats going on and like you say no-one will bother to care. Use this party as a chance to make friends. Don't go thinking it's gonna be a disaster because it's not. Go with the intention of making a couple of frineds maybe. Just whatever you do honey, you know the people who care.
Im always gonna be here for you, you know that sweerts. By the way we gotta set a date for when we meet up, after the psychology exam if you like, then there's no exam pressures left. You ain't going nowhere honey, don't tell me you won't even be here by then because you will. You are not gonna fail these exams, you're gonna pass.. Even if it is just a C and your expected grade is an A, it's still a pass.. Come on beautiful, don't leave me on my own. Im not gonna let you go ): I need you in my life Emma, now that must be something worth living for
Seriously I do, you text me on a morning almost everyday and it just makes my heart smile becuase I know there is someone who genuinely cares. If you weren't here, then who would do that? Sweetheart you're so amazing, so beautiful, and intelligent, don't let life drag you down. I love you soo much, stay strong and stay safe my angel. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxPosted May 20th 2012 at 11:32 AM by x_sepi_x
