another birthday (trig)

So thats another year that things didn't go very well. I purposely did not tell anyone in the hope that things would work out just for one year but that didn't work. My friend told everyone :| Ergh i hated the attention. Thats the last thing i need right now. I just want to dissapear. People i don't really talk to were saying Happy Birthday which is sweet don't get me wrong but i just didn't want to hear it. Whats happy about the day a huge mistake came into the world? Besides i only wanted to hear happy birthday from one person yesterday and that was never going to happen. My best friend is gone and this was my first birthday in years without her. I missed her. I just wanted to hide away and die yesterday but i stayed strong and didn't do anything stupid despite my plans. I also only cut a few times. I wanted to cut more but i resisted the urge I am proud of myself.
I felt so useless yesterday though. My friend is extremly suicidal. I just want to be there for her but she lives quite far away. She was texting me and i was trying to help but i just hope that i was good enough. I feel so useless right now :/
Everyone was trying to force me to eat yesterday aswell. They say it's your birthday you have to. I think there starting to work out that i'm anorexic. I don't want anyone to know. But at the same time i want to tell my friend. I know then i have someone but i don't think it's fair to talk to her besides she would just tell a teacher and then i would have to talk and my mom would have to know and i don't want that she would go so mad.
It wasn't all entirly bad though. I was looking after my little cousin whos one. Shes so cute She was opening my presents and cards for me and she has the cutest face that cheers anyone up. Shes so adorable. I honestly think that i couldn't have handle yesterday if it wasn't for her little michevious face and personality making me smile and helping me get through the day Shes so sweet! Made me realsise that i do want a kid. Well i think i do in the future but i know it would be cruel on the kid as i would be an awful mom :\ so i'm still not entirly sure. But unless i start eating i won't be able to have kids :/ so i need to sort my life out but everything is just a mess and i have no idea where to start