Struggling

I'm really struggling right now . I feel reallly low and i don't even know why. I felt really happy all of last week for no reason and i want to go back to that feeling
I am so angry with myself right now, i cut for the first time in almost 2 weeks. I'm so weak. I can't do anything right
I don't want to eat anymore. I hate the feeling and i always feel disgusting, fat and unlovable afterwards. I can't sleep anymore i just lie there and think of how i can end it all and stop this constant pain and misery that is my life. I am pushing everyone away right now when i need them most. But i just can't bear to tell them the truth or how bad things really are
I am falling so far behind in school. I can't face it anymore. I can't concentrate on my work or anything and i'm always getting into trouble for missing deadlines and stuff
I told my "so called friend" the other day that i was suicidal and had overdosed before. She went and told on me so now practically everyone knows. It's so annoying the teachers look at me and i hate it i don't know how much they know or what they have seen. It's making me really paranoid. I hate it!
I have fallen out with most of my friends and family and practically have noone left I know people would care if i was to kill myself but i don't care anymore. I am sick of this pain and everyone judging me. I'm just a stupid, selfish, worthless, useless, idiotic, attention seeking bitch. Thats whats they al think of me.
I know things will probably get better but things get worse again to so i really don't want to hear it will be ok or everything will get better. I just want the truth for once.
I have a load of pills and i think i might just take them. Its for the best i know that. I can't fight this anymore. Not on my own. I just want a hug but i have noone. and i cannot ask for a hug without having to explain why and i can't drop my front or i will just break down in front of everyone and i can't do that.
I feel as if Noone could possibly love me. I have never had a boyfriend and noone has ever so much a looked at me in that way. Am i really that ugly I wish i was pretty and lovable but i'm not and i don't know what i am supposed to do about it.
I have been told to "talk" but i honestly don't think talking will help. There is only so far talking can get you and i'm shy and get really nervous in social situations so talkings even worse. I would just freeze up and couldn't do anything.
My heads all over the place and i hate it! I just want to cut or jump or anything to end this!