break down days

here is how my typical break down would start:
I do not know what on ***** earth is the wrong i did to .....i hate life i hate this world i hate the fact that i am alive i hate the fact that i have to live and every little tiny detail in my life, i wish i did not understamd i wish i were stupid i wish i were nothing just a wall i envey walls for not having to deal with this ......why shall i live? I do not have a single fucking reason to live notrhing i love nothing i want no dreams no hope nothing and nothing at all...........just nothing....here i am having every thing and nothing no one no body no reason no fact no reality and no life no life......so many times i wish i just could talk just talk to something but my laptop too be answered by any thing but the blade and what do i have? Nothing......live my life like a senseless wall every body hits and draws on every body leaves scares, traces and debris of past a senseless nothing a big stupid bunch of just nothingness surrounding this vacuume called me and get every thing feel nothing no yell no reaction no feeling no hitting no ......i wish i once was upset by some one who hurt me but no.i do not feel i only crush crack down as if all those feelings explode at once and i am never ok............just blank or crying tears out of eyes , blood out of my skin and soul out of body hoping the steal goes deeper and deeper and deeper but it never goes deep enough it always moves faster to cut more and more and more and before i am aware my full arm is shreded but not enough to be hurt stitched how about relieved? But enough not to have another spot for another cut .....two crack downs my arms are both shreded i can not go to class i can not lay a hand on the desk two more crack downs now my legs match the arms other one and i am looking for something new decided to stop cutting but once one is healed enough to cut over me and thee blade are on a date..............and i wish i really wish ,dream hope just a bullet could lay in my head so i can lay my head and sleep just once sleep without nightmare without yells in my head without feeling guilt without any thing but relief of this heavy weight over my chest ...........
And just for once not wonder why me?